Well, I have now been back in Oklahoma for a little under 24 hours. I want to cry. lol. I woke up this morning and almost did. I’ve just been so depressed all day. I thought it would be like a normal vacation to Utah where I would be happy to be home and in my own bed. I guess I just didn’t think about the tension in the house and the unbearable loneliness. My friends here in Oklahoma aren’t anything like my friends in Utah. My friends in Utah will come over just because and we can just sit around, doing nothing, and have a great time. We spent several hours yesterday just taking pictures of each other being retarded in my parent’s living room. It was fun. My friends here in Oklahoma only seem to have a good time when they are watching football or being drunk. None of them will come over just because. Jill and I went to the mall on Tuesday night and just wandered around and took pictures of each other in cute dresses. I can’t imagine myself doing that with any of my girl friends here. Then on Wednesday night Carlos and Nate met us at the park and we all swung and took pictures of each other. I can’t think of anyone here who would have fun swinging at the park at midnight.
I’m just having a depressing night. I have a really hard time getting close to people. I have this little bubble that I live in and I’ve been in it for so long that I don’t know how to get out of it. My friends here in Oklahoma all want me to start drinking as a way to get out of my bubble, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to drink. Why can’t people here just accept it and be my friends anyways? It’s like the girls from church all over again. I was never the goody-goody Mormon girl like the girls in my ward were, so they’d be my friends at church and at girl’s camp, but they wouldn’t socialize with me at school or after school. My Oklahoma friends are that way. They’ll be my friends at work, but they never invite me to do things and most say no when I invite them to hang out. Lyndsay and I go to the gym three times a week and that’s the most I see of any of my friends. Maybe things will be different when my life evens out. It kills me that I can’t talk about things on here, but for the time being I can’t.
I’m so glad I’m going back to Utah in three weeks. I was joking with my coworkers before I left this past week that I wasn’t going to come back to Oklahoma. Now that I feel this lonely and sad at being back in Oklahoma, maybe it would be for the best if I didn’t. The thing is, I don’t want to live in Utah! I have so much fun with Jill, but I don’t know if I could go back to the small-town super-Mormon mindset. A lot of people there are so judgemental and won’t associate with people they deem as ‘not religious enough’ or as not being a good enough Mormon. I can’t handle that. I’ll be friends with anyone and everyone. I don’t care what religion you are. All I ask of my friends is to not try and make me change who I am or try to force me to do things I don’t want to do.
*sigh* I just don’t know what to do. I like my job here. The people I work with are cool. I’m friends with a bunch of my coworkers. Maybe not as good of friends as I thought, but that’s usually the case. I have a life here that I like for the most part. It’s a little lonely at times, but I think in the next few weeks, when things become resolved, that will change. I just have to get through this little storm in my life. I just wish I had someone here I could talk to about it. Jill is the only person I’m comfortable enough to open up with and talk about things that are bothering me. Well, her and Preston. Though I don’t talk to Preston as freely as I do Jill. I’ve known him longer than almost anyone else I’m still in contact with (aside from Jill and a few people I sporadically talk to) and he’s pretty easy to talk to.
So, yeah, my life is really up in the air right now. Jill wants me to move back to Utah with her. My parents found a house for us that is 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and $400 a month. Oh, and it’s across the street from them. lol. Aside from that, it’s perfect. It’s big enough for me, Jill and Jill’s son. The only problem is that I won’t have a job and neither will Jill, so how will we pay for it? Jobs are hard to find back home right now, so that will be a major obstacle. Jill is looking for places that are hiring so that when I go back home I can try to find a job. lol. We’ll see what happens. Part of me wants to stay here because I’m somewhat comfortable here. I’ve built a life that I’m somewhat happy with. I want to give myself a chance to be happier before I just up and run. I’m trying to break my habit of running all the time. I get scared and I run. I get too close to people and I run.
Jill and I were talking earlier about life and how people live it. I’m very much a quiet and reserved person when I first meet people. I get crap about it at work all the time. lol. When I’m around people I’m comfortable with, I get all goofy and retarded. I just have a hard time being that way around people that are judging me. Something I need to get over and I’m working on it. Anyways, we talked about love and all the fun stuff that goes along with that. One of the things that we talked about was fighting for someone you want. What does that even mean? How do you fight for someone?
Life is so confusing sometimes and I’m not sure I want to get back into it. lol. Maybe that’s why I’m dragging my feet. I’m scared and I don’t know what’s going to happen. The happiest time in my life was when I was single, working two jobs and living by myself. My friends were over all the time and we had a blast. Then I got married and I don’t know how to live that life anymore.
Wow. lol. This blog is all over the place. I guess that’s what happens when you are texting and blogging at the same time. Next time I’m having a contemplative moment, I’ll turn my phone off. Then maybe it will be coherent. Oh well. Good night. I’m going to bed.