Late Night Musings

I wrote this at about 11:00 last night and was debating on whether or not I should actually post it. I decided this morning that I might as well. Nobody really reads my blog anyways, so here it is.

 

It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog. It’s so weird that for several months I wrote ever day and then pretty much just stopped. Well, not too weird, I suppose. I’ve always had a hard time sticking with things. Diets, writing, working out. In October I started working out with Lyndsay. We worked out every day until Thanksgiving. When I got home from vacation, we started working out every day again. But when I got back from Christmas break, we both got super busy with work. I went a few times alone and she went a few times alone. Then we both just stopped. My friend, Mandy, tried to help motivate me by having me work out with her. I went with her a few times and then I stopped going again. I like to say it was because I work long hours and am tired. The tired thing has always been a good excuse for me to not do things. I mean, having CFS is a pretty good excuse for a lot of things. So is my scoliosis. Working 10-12 hours a day without taking breaks was a good excuse when I first started working those hours, but now that I’ve been working these hours for several months, my body has become mostly accustomed to it. There are still days that wear me out more than others and I know I wouldn’t be able to work out those days. But there are many days where I still have the energy to go work out. I just don’t want to. I have my gym bag in my car every day and I tell myself in the mornings that I’m going to go work out after work. But, by the end of the day, I’m usually just not wanting to do anything except go home and not have to deal with any more people.

Well, that’s not entirely true. There are some days I would give anything to have someone at home waiting for me, or to have someone to wait for. To just be able to sit on the couch and cuddle while watching tv or a movie. To have someone to cook dinner with or sit on the balcony and talk with while watching the sunset. I would love to have someone that I could write cute notes for and hide them in a pocket for them to find during the day. I miss getting up early to cook breakfast and having someone to wander aimlessly around the grocery store with. I miss holding hands and being able to randomly reach over and steal a kiss.

The funny things is, there are several guys who have offered to be that someone. Well, not several. That implies many. In the past months since I got divorced, there have been at least 4 guys who have offered to be my someone. None, though, are what I've been looking for. They have all been pretty cool people, just not what I want. One even went through my blog about what I wanted in a guy and he listed points about each item describing how he fit that particular want. I thought that was pretty cute. But even though he fit most of the items in my blog, he just wasn’t my type. Yes, he was Mormon and he was pretty nice, but there were a lot of little things that didn’t match what I want in my life. We quite speaking about a month or so ago because there were just too many things about him that I couldn’t stand. The biggest thing was that he was so freaking arrogant. It always irritated me how every time something went wrong, it was someone else’s fault. Everyone in his life was to blame for his problems and for every bad thing that happened. We’d get into these stupid arguments because I would try and explain things from a different point of view and he’d say I was against him or he’d ask why I was taking someone else’s side and not his. The thing is, life isn’t about sides. Life isn’t about finding who is to blame and finding someone to take the fall for every mistake.

I got into a debate with a coworker last week about life. It was pretty interesting. We went back and forth for a while, just kind of goofing off and having fun. Then he asked for me to explain life in one word. The word I chose was love. To me, life is about being happy and loving other people. Also bringing peace and happiness into the lives of others. Of course, he disagreed. I made a comment about me being more hopeful about life than he is and then we started debating hope. He made the comment that hope is not life. I do agree to an extent. Giving one’s self over to a hope and revolving your entire life around that one hope is no way to live. Yet, there are some people who live in such dire circumstances that hope is all they have. A hope for a better tomorrow, a hope for what they are going through to end, a hope that their children will have a better life, etc. To me, hope is essential to life and living. Without hope, there is no reason to exist. I mean, how depressing would it be to have no hope? Even if you are the richest person in the world, wouldn’t you still hope? I’m certainly not the richest person in the world, or even close to it, but there are so many things I hope for every day. Aside from the normal things of being safe and remaining healthy, I hope for so many things. My biggest hopes are of finding someone who will love me for who I am and accept the bad things about me and also that someday I will make my family proud of me. I constantly feel like I am letting my family down. If I want to be totally and completely open and honest, I always feel like I’m letting everyone down. Like nothing I ever do is good enough. That I’m not good enough. That I will never be enough.

This is rather interesting. Lol. I was chatting with my friend, Darren, today and he said it would really help me find peace within myself if I wrote down things I was thinking and feeling throughout the day. It’s interesting how the mind works and how it expresses feelings.  Yes, I do feel inadequate. I do feel like I’m not good enough and that me as myself will never be enough for another person. I sometimes think about dating and immediately dismiss the idea and push it from my mind because I know that any person I date will end up leaving me. They always do. I’m not enough. I am not enough. I’m not outgoing or bubbly. I’m nowhere near assertive or captivating. I’m quiet, shy, insecure, introverted. I’ve been hurt so much in my life that I am afraid to do anything because I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I block people out and stop anyone from getting close. When people do get too close, I shut them down and push them away. I can’t help it. I realize what I’ve done afterwards and sometimes that is too late. By doing so, I’ve come to realize that I’m not worth the effort for people to stick around for. I’m not worth the effort to get to know. I’m just not worth it. It hurts to know that. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to go out and make friends. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to get out and date. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to meet new people. I know that in the end, I just won’t be enough and I’ll be too difficult for anyone to get to know. Why on earth should I put in the time and effort to meet new people when it just won’t turn out well? I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of people leaving me. I’m tired of not being worth the time and effort. I’m tired of not being enough. I want to be worth something to someone. I want someone to see me as an individual who is special and unique. That guy I mentioned earlier, the one who read my blog, he used to tell me he knew a million girls like me and that I was just like everyone else, that there wasn’t anything unique about me. Maybe that’s what my problem is. Maybe I’m not unique. Maybe I am just like everyone else. I don’t know what to do to make myself unique, though. I can’t even think about anything that sets me apart from other people. I’m just another name and another face in the crowd. That’s not what I want to be. I want to be different. I want to be me. I want to be worth something to someone. But how? How do I become someone who is worth something? How?

Wow. I’ve just been sitting here for the past while reading and re-reading what I just wrote. When I write, I just let myself go and let my fingers take control. When I write, I feel so much more free and safe in expressing myself. I’ve always had a really hard time expressing myself verbally and standing up for myself. I don’t like being mean and making other people feel bad. I always feel like what I say hurts people. Ha, that reminds me of work two weeks ago. I was training a new lady and somehow I hurt her feelings. I’m still trying to figure out how. My friend, Amber, says it is because of how I joke with people.  I can be really sarcastic sometimes when I’m joking. When I train, I try to joke around sometimes because I’ve found it makes people more comfortable and eases some of the tension of the other person trying to learn. I guess, though, that some people don’t understand sarcasm and take things literally. I should have taken that into consideration and waited to joke around until I knew her personality better. But I didn’t and it turned into a really big mess. It ended up with both of us being really frustrated and irritated with each other. I’m sure there are other adjustments I need to make if I’m ever assigned to train another person in the future, but one change I know I’ll be making is that I’ll wait a few days to joke around so that I can learn the other person’s personality. I really don’t like hurting people and it still really bothers me that I didn’t pick up on it sooner that I was hurting her feelings.

So, yeah, it’s stuff like that that makes me have a hard time expressing myself verbally. I’m just not an assertive person. People don’t really listen to me sometimes because I’m so quiet, so it’s easier to write down what I want to say and go from there. Sometimes it’s that I’m afraid of the other person’s reaction, so I write a note or letter and give it to them. I guess that makes me a coward. Lol.  I’m so used to people getting mad at me and I try to avoid that as much as possible. Maybe I avoid it too much. Sometimes I automatically assume people are mad at me and when I do get up the courage to talk to the person about it, I find out they weren’t mad at all. Every time I make a mistake at work, I think I’m going to get fired. It drives me crazy that I keep thinking that, but I can’t help it. I guess it’s just my insecurities taking control of me. I really need to stop doing that. I try to believe in myself and think positive about myself, but I have a really hard time doing that. I never think I’m smart enough or good enough to do things right. I’ve been this way almost my entire life.

I should go to bed. This is getting really long. And really personal. I usually don’t open up this much on here, but I decided that I’d just write what came to my mind and see what happens. Darren is right. This has been rather helpful for me. Being alone and not having someone to talk to has been a little hard sometimes. I guess, from now on, my blog will be my person to talk to. Could be interesting………….