I wrote this in January 2010 and have been thinking about it a lot lately. In the past, I’ve ‘settled’ and not gone with my gut instinct about things because I didn’t think I would ever find someone better. I have always had problems with my self-esteem and self-worth, but lately I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going. This past year and nine months (wow! it’s almost been two years!) since my divorce has really helped me. I went through a period of deep depression and guilt and doubt. After I came out of that, I slowly started building myself up again. I still struggle with a lot of those feelings, but it doesn’t own me like it did before.
This, though, was written a week or two after my divorce was final. I haven’t found someone like this, but I haven’t really been looking in the correct places. There are also characteristics that are important to me that I left off because I felt nobody with those characteristics would ever want someone like me, ie: divorcee. Since then, though, I have come to realize that there are some good guys out there who don’t care if I’m divorced, so I think it’s time for me to revamp my list. Here is my old one and I will now start working on my new one. As you read this, remember that it was written in January 2010.
I’m kinda having a hard time writing this because there are so many things that make up a well-rounded man and I’m not sure where to start. I guess I’ll just start listing things as I think of them. There’s no particular order of importance because all of them are important to me. Granted, I know I will never find a person with all of these qualities, but I would like to find someone with most of them.
Honest and Honorable
A man is someone who, first and foremost, is honest and honorable. Honesty is an easy quality to start with because it’s important to me and also because it’s been lacking in my previous relationship. I so very much want a person who will be man enough to tell the truth even though he knows or thinks he’s going to get yelled at. He tells the truth even when it is hard or it gets him in trouble. I would rather have the respect of being told the truth than the knowledge that I wasn’t worth the truth. I’ll be less mad with a person who tells me the truth than when I find out I’ve been lied to. Lying just compounds the original issue, for lack of a better word. Out of all the things that make me mad, lying will make me the maddest. I don’t care whether you are lying to me or about me or what the circumstances are, if you lie, I will get pretty dang mad at you when I find out.
Another thing that is important to me is honor. If you say you are going to do something, do it! Doesn’t matter if it’s taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, picking up something from the store or spending time with your kids. True, things come up sometimes, but if you just don’t do something you said you would do because you are tired or you don’t feel like it, I don’t have time for you in my life. I’m so tired of pretty words and empty promises. Don’t promise to do something that you are unsure about. If you aren’t sure you want to do it or you don’t think you really will, don’t promise to do it. Be upfront and honest about it. I’d rather have that than someone who can’t keep a promise and knew they wouldn’t be able to keep it when they made it. Again, I understand things happen and sometimes people forget their promises because they get busy or whatever. It’s still important to me and I want someone who feels the same way.
Sense of Humor
This one is really important to me. A sense of humor is so important in any relationship. I don’t think I would be able to live without laughing. I love to laugh and make other people laugh. Goofing off and joking around are great ways to get to know people and to make stress go away. I really like a person who is witty and can tell good jokes or anecdotes. I love hearing funny things people have done in their lives. It’s also good to have a person who can laugh at a stressful or embarrassing situation and joke about it later. An even more important part of having a sense of humor is when a person can be humorous without making fun of another person. That shows the true character of a person.
Integrity is important, too. Doing the right thing even when no one else will see is a good quality for every person to have. I really admire people that do the right thing just for the sake of doing the right thing.
Can talk about issues without getting mad
This is a big one to me, too. Every relationship is going to have issues and problems. That is just a fact of life. No matter what you do or who you date/marry, there are going to be disagreements and arguments. Granted, at the time of the argument is not always the best time to discuss the problem, but being able to go back at another time and talk about why either party got upset is a good thing. I’d really like someone who can do that. Someone who can have a rational, adult conversation and not get mad or shut down. If I’m doing something that upsets someone, I would like to know so I can resolve the problem or come to a compromise. I also like to let people know if they are doing things that bother me so it doesn’t snowball into something bigger. Being able to talk about a problem and get it resolved is definitely something that helps a relationship.
Haha. I guess maturity is required for most of the traits and characteristics I have listed. You have to be mature to learn and grasp acceptable behaviors on relationships or to carry on a successful relationship. Being able to stand up and realize that being part of a relationship means that you have to care about another person and about the both of you is a sign of maturity. Also knowing that you have to work at a relationship to make it successful is a sign of maturity.
I really want a guy who can have fun! Being able to joke around with people and have a good time is something that I really value. I love people that can banter and goof off. Laughing is something I love to do and I love to make other people laugh. Guys that can take jokes and dish them right back are one of the best kind.
Knows when to be serious
Even though I want someone who is fun-loving and likes to joke around, I want someone who knows when it’s time to be serious. I guess that’s pretty straight-forward.
Can carry on a conversation
It’s nice to have someone who can talk and have a long conversation. I’m not a big talker, but if it’s someone I like, I like to be able to talk with them. Most of the time I like to just goof off, but I like to have substantive conversations, too. One of my favorite things to do is play 20 Questions. I like to ask dorky questions and sometimes serious questions. When I ask serious questions, I like to talk about it and just have a normal conversation for a bit before moving on to the next question. It’s just a way I like to use to get to know people.
This is another self-explanatory item. I’m so over mean people. Meanness is just unnecessary and I don’t see why people do that.
I would like someone who can be gentle and loving at times. Maybe not all the time, but it’s nice to have gentleness sometimes.
Can rough house
I like a guy who can rough house. It’s just fun. I grew up with five brothers and we wrestled. I like a guy who isn’t afraid to take on a girl, yet still be respectful at the same time.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, too. It’s just really nice to have a person who is interested in your goals and dreams and wants to see you reach them and wants to help you reach them. I really miss that and I really want a person who is like that.
I’m not saying I want a person who will shield me from the world, but someone who cares about my welfare, wants me to be safe and wants to keep me safe. I really like it when someone offers to beat people up for me. Lol. I was actually talking to my friend about this a few days ago. Even if I know the guy isn’t serious about it, it’s still nice to hear that they would ‘beat someone up for me.’ I wouldn’t seriously want someone to beat another person up for me, but it’s just the feeling when someone says something like that. I’m not sure how to explain it. On a more serious note, though, I’ve never really had a person who would stand up for me or help me out in a tough situation. When I was in VA, there was a guy at work who was harassing me really bad and nothing I said or did made a difference and none of management would do anything about it. I almost quit my job because it scared me so much. It would really have been nice to have someone who would help take care of it. If that makes any sense.
Sees things that need to be done and does them
This is something that would really be nice to have in a person. I really hate having to tell someone what to do all the time. When I’m in a relationship, I want to feel like I’m in a partnership, not like I’m having to mother someone. Ugh. I really really hate that! If you walk in a room and notice a plant has been knocked over, pick it up and clean it up. If you’re throwing something away and the trash is full or almost full, take it out. It’s crazy how simple and easy this trait is, but how few people actually possess it.
Sees my faults and helps me improve on them
Okay, I’m a person with a ton of faults. I don’t want someone who will tell me every day what my faults are, but I do want someone who recognizes that I am an imperfect person and is patient as I try to work on my faults. If I’m doing something that bothers someone, I really do want to know so I can work on it. I really hate when a person is mad at me and won’t tell me what I did to make them mad. How can I fix something if I don’t know what the problem is? Another side of this is that if I forget something that I’m working on, the person I’m with will remind me (nicely) instead of freaking out at me.
Another self-explanatory item. It just seems weird to me that I put all these things on here that seem self-explanatory and common sense for any relationship, yet I put them on here because there are so few people I’ve met with these traits. Well, single people. Lol. There are a lot of married or committed people with these traits and that would be why they are married or in a serious relationship.
I’m not really sure how to describe this one. I’d really like a person who is dependable. Someone who takes care of their responsibilities and doesn’t leave it for someone else to do. A person who is responsible can be counted on in any situation and I’d really like a person like that in my life.
Gives constructive criticism
A lot of people say criticism is bad. I don’t really have a problem with it as long as it’s presented in a constructive way. If someone comes to me and tells me I really screwed something up, I will probably get offended. But if someone comes to me and says I made some mistakes and points out what they are and what I can do in the future to not do that again, I can handle that. I like to know what I’m doing wrong and how I can keep from making the same mistakes.
Can take constructive criticism
I’m a person who when something bothers me, I like to tell people. I mean, how can someone know they are doing something ‘wrong’ if nobody tells them? I try to be nice about it, but sometimes there’s no nice way to say things.
I really like people who can work hard and get stuff done. My dad is my hero and he’s the hardest worker I know. He’s always got some project going and when something needs to be done around the house, he does it as soon as possible. Also, when a neighbor needs help with something, he’s the first person to offer to help and he stays until the job is done right. I really want someone like that.
Cleans up after himself
I’m a rather tidy person and I really hate it when people make messes and don’t clean up after themselves. I really like people who are generally just tidy people and don’t make huge messes for other people to clean up.
Can keep his word
This is a really big one with me. If you say you are going to do something, do it. One of my favorite quotes is “It is better to do and not promise than to promise and not do.” I would much rather have a person who says they will do their best to do something and then do it than someone who says they will do something and doesn’t do it.
Most people want a perfect guy, but I want someone who has flaws and aims to be a better person. Flaws make people human. I really don’t know how to describe this one, but I want a person who has had problems and been through rough times and is trying to do better. I’m not sure why I want that. I just do.
Knows when I’m hiding and makes me face it
Okay, I like to hide from things and be in my little comfort zone. My coworkers say I live in a bubble and I do not disagree. Sometimes I put myself in a little bubble where I only see what I want to see. I want someone who will (nicely) force me to see the things I don’t want to see and help me deal with it. I try to do that on my own, but I tend to fall back into my little world of seeing only what I want to see and ignoring everything else.
I love when people are spontaneous. Life doesn’t always have to be planned down to every minute. I want a guy who will every now and then come home and say “Let’s go do this” or “Let’s go here for the weekend.”
A person who has goals and ambitions and works for them is much better than a person who just goes through life and doesn’t care what they do or what happens. Even if it’s just a simple goal, it’s better than nothing.
That’s all I have so far. I’ve been working on this for a few weeks because I keep adding more to it and I decided I should just post this. I’m sure I’ll add more to it later. There are just a lot of things I want. I know I won’t get all of it, but I figure I might as well aim high and see what I get. It’s better than aiming low and getting what I want. Lol.