Good gravy, I’m writing a blog. lol. I have actually started about 8 or so blogs the past few months, they just never get finished. I usually write them at work during breaks or when I’m stuck at the front desk covering for the receptionist during lunch, which is hard to get a blog finished when I have to answer the phones. lol. So, I email them to myself intending to finish later, but then later never comes or I decide what I’ve written isn’t what I want to post.
I dunno. Life has been a little bit of a roller coaster these past three months. The last blog I wrote was back towards the beginning of December and here it is the end of February. Time really does fly when you’re not paying attention.
Well, I went home for Christmas break to visit my family. That was really great. I missed my family a lot. I still do. I haven’t talked to them too much since I got back and I think it’s just because every time I do, I just feel that empty loneliness of being so far away from them and everyone who loves me.
That’s actually what is on my mind right now. I was driving to institute tonight and thinking about stuff and just all the sudden I got slammed in the chest with such an ache of loneliness. I miss my family and my friends so much. I miss my people. I miss the familiarity of home. I miss the town I grew up in where I could drive anywhere at any time day or night and not get lost. I miss going places and seeing people I knew everywhere. I miss visiting my sister at work and having her try to get me to buy all these clothes she thought were so cute, but I absolutely hated because I don’t like animal prints. I miss Sunday night dinner and games with my family where it is a tradition that we beg dad to play Phase 10 and he’ll only agree after we promise to play Mexi-Train or Sequence. I miss all-night game nights with my friends at Jill’s house or my house where we end the night by spending an hour or two just taking stupid pictures and laughing at ourselves. I miss the midnight trips to Wendy’s and/or going to the park with my friends to swing on the swings and play on the toys. We’d all sing stupid songs while the guys pushed me and Jill on the swings and then just run around playing and trying to dodge the sprinklers or lay on the grass to look at the stars. I miss going up on the red hill in the middle of the night with Jill and just talking. I miss going to the mall with Jill to try on dresses we couldn’t afford and modeling them for each other. I miss midnight movies with my friends. I miss day-long hiking trips. I miss going out to the Arizona strip for bonfires or to set off fireworks from the back of Jared’s truck. I miss going to Wal-Mart with Jill and Nate in the middle of the night and being embarrassed out of my mind by how Jill had it in her head to be as embarrassing as humanly possible. I miss having friends that I could call at any time and say, ‘Hey, let’s go do something tonight”.
It just sucks because I feel like I don’t really have those friends anymore. I feel like all the people back home have forgotten about me. Jill never calls or texts anymore. She doesn’t ever return my phone calls and rarely returns texts, usually several days later. Jared and I text and Facebook sporadically, but not enough to really keep up with each other’s lives. Steve, Nate and Carlos don’t even talk to me anymore. I just miss the way things used to be. It sucks growing older and growing apart from people.
The stupid thing is that most of this is my doing. I’m such an asocial personality that I don’t really get close to many people. I don’t really know how. It takes me a while to get comfortable with people and open up to them and most people don’t want to take the time. The ones that do either live in another state or are people I’m not comfortable with. Which sucks. lol.
There are just so many things going through my mind right now. I feel like I want to cry. That might help me feel better. But I can’t. Even when I’m alone I have to be strong, the tough one. The one that can handle anything and everything and doesn’t need anyone else. I wish I could rely on other people. I don’t know how. I used to. I used to talk to Jill about everything. But she’s not there anymore. She was my person. But she has a child, two jobs and a boyfriend. She’s too busy and there’s no time left at the end of the day. I understand. I know what it’s like to have your life so overscheduled that you don’t have time to breath. I am attempting to do that to myself right now. lol. I don’t have any time for myself most days and I’m still trying to figure out where I can fit two plasma trips each week. lol. I was going to go yesterday and Friday, but we had a Relief Society presidency meeting yesterday, so that cancelled that and it’s not worth it to go just once in a week, so I’m not going Friday. I guess that’s good because with being so sick at the beginning of February and then again two weeks ago and these mid-singles activities and trying to find time to go on dates here and there and being stressed, I haven’t really had a chance to really clean my house for a few weeks. Every time I think I’m going to do it, I realize that I just want to have a few hours of doing absolutely nothing and then I don’t get anything done. So, this Friday afternoon instead of going to donate plasma I am going to do the gym and clean my apartment. Or maybe I’ll sit on my balcony and read a book and enjoy the sunshine. I don’t know. We’ll see how I feel.
Lately, some of my friends here have been telling me I spread myself too thin and I take on too much. I don’t, really. I mean, it’s the same stuff I’ve been doing for the past 6-8 months for the most part. Work 6-4 M-Tr and 6-12 (i usually end up staying until 1 or 2) on Fridays, gym 3-4x a week, plasma 2x a week, institute 2x a week, temple, cannery and RS stuff as needed. Well, and the mid-singles activities and institute people have also seemed to take up either Friday night or Saturday night each week, so there is that, too. It was worse before, back when I was working 50+ hours a week and doing the gym 4x a week and taking two institute classes. But it almost feels like it was better before. I don’t know. Maybe it was because even though my ex-boyfriend and I were broken up, we still hung out almost every day for about 4-5 months after we broke up and I felt like I had emotional support from being able to talk to him about everything and listen to him talk about his stuff. I kinda miss having that kind of connection with someone.
Which turns thoughts to dating. Ugh. How many blogs have I started about that topic? lol. I swear, most of the blogs I’ve started were about dating and how much I hate it. Or how stressful it is. Or how boys confuse the crap out of me. Or how stupid boys are. lol. I am not a fan of dating. I enjoy having a boyfriend, I just hate the process of finding one. I keep telling people that I just want God to send a lightening bolt when I see the guy I’m supposed to be dating, but it doesn’t quite work that way. *sigh* lol.
There are some good guys here, but none that I’m too terribly interested in. I mean, I’m curious about a couple and want to get to know them better, but I’m the kind of person who isn’t attracted to someone unless I actually know them a bit. Well, some people I just KNOW I’m NOT attracted to in that way, but others it could go either way depending on their personalities. Which makes it frustrating when people ask me if I like a particular person and all I can say is that I don’t know, which is the truth because I haven’t decided because I don’t know them well enough. This is why I like to be friends with people first. I don’t like just jumping into dating someone or a relationship because I want to get to know someone before I start investing in them. I didn’t used to be this way, in high school, but I’ve learned the value of taking things slow and getting to really know a person before dating them. Ticks some people off, but oh well. If they don’t like the way I do things, then they aren’t worth my time. That sounds mean. But it’s true. If they get all upset because I want to take my time and be sure, then they obviously aren’t the person I need to be with.
You know, I had a debate on Facebook about something close to this topic a while back. I have several walls. I know I do. Some come down quickly for certain people and some don’t. The ones that come down quickly for one person may not come down at all for another person. I don’t understand how it works. Some people I just seem to know I can trust with certain things and some people I just don’t feel comfortable opening up with. Some people I am comfortable being alone with and some people I just do not want to be alone with. I don’t know why.
Anyways, the debate Rusty and I had was about how girls have all these walls that make it impossible for guys to get close to them and prove that they are good guys. We debated the merits of walls and good guys vs bad guys and what causes girls to have these walls and what guys do and don’t have a right to expect from girls, etc. The point we seemed to get stuck on was about the rights of guys and girls. I’m sorry, but just because a guy asks a girl on a date doesn’t mean she has to say yes. She does need to be nice about it when turning the guy down, but that’s all he really has a right to expect. And if a girl does go on a date with said guy, he has NO RIGHT at ALL to expect her to put out in any way shape or form. I cannot tell you how many stupid guys have gotten upset with me because I won’t hold hands, kiss or cuddle on a first date. That’s partly why most of my dates never go to a second date. Some ask, but if they’re going to be a butthead the first time, there’s no way I’m going through that again. And if I’m just not interested, I’m not going to lead the guy on by doing a second date. If the guy wants to continue hanging out as friends, that’s cool. If he can’t handle being friends, then that’s that.
Back to the topic. lol. Some girls have walls because they’ve been through things that necessitate building up of protection. Rusty was upset because he doesn’t think the guy who had nothing to do with hurting the girl should have to suffer because of what some other jerk did. Well, as correct as he is, life doesn’t work that way. If someone abuses a dog, the dog will be shy of most people. People are the same way. You hurt a person and they will shy away from the thing that has caused them pain. Sorry, guys, but that’s just life. People hurt each other and those who have had nothing to do with the hurt still have to deal with it. Some things are easier to deal with than others. Do I have easy walls? Yeah. Do I have hard walls? Yeah. Do I have stuff I think nobody on this planet is ever going to want to deal with? Absolutely. So, it’s hard to open up and decide I want to venture out into the land of dating when I don’t think anyone will want to deal with my crap. Of course, I have debated just putting it all on here and then just seeing what happens. But there are all sorts of sickos out there who thrive on broken girls. I want someone who wants me for me. Not because they like the kind of issues I have.
Good grief. It’s past 10:30. I’ve been writing for almost an hour. Well, writing and thinking with some texting interspersed. lol. I should probably go to bed. The headache from Hell that has been tagging along since Monday is trying to make a comeback. Seriously, Monday sucked. I thought I was going to have a nuclear meltdown. I was so stressed I didn’t want to talk to or see anyone the entire evening. I ended up falling asleep on the couch about 8:00 and then making my way to bed around 9:00. Felt good to get some extra sleep. Too bad I’m wasting it all right now. lol. It’s not really wasted. It’s good to get some of this stuff out of my brain. And to let the world know I’m still alive. Not that anyone reads my blog. lol. I don’t write to be popular, though. I’m not sure why I write. Well, I know why I write, I’m just not sure why I make it into a blog. I don’t know that anyone really cares about the mundane dramas and stresses of my life. I guess maybe it’s because I want to feel connected with the world in some way. This is my way of saying, “Hey, I’m here. I exist. I am not a shadow.” Because I’m so quiet in person and have a hard time being around people I don’t know very well that sometimes I do feel like a shadow. My brother used to tell me all the time that I’m invisible. I am sometimes. People forget I’m there on occasion. But that’s okay. I’m not one for being the center of attention. Well, if I’m comfortable with all the people I’m with, then I can act like an idiot and have a good time. But if I don’t know the people, I tend to be a little nervous. Yes, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder when I was in college. I’m okay when I’m around small groups of people, but I get rather stressed and anxious around large groups of people I don’t know. I’ve found, though, that if I have one or two people who I know and I can focus on them, that I am okay for the most part. If I feel myself start to get panicky or really uncomfortable, I pull out my phone and focus on that until I feel better. I’m not a medication person, so I just try to work through it on my own. With lots of prayers and blessings. lol.
Anyways, I really should go to bed now. I feel a bit better now that I’ve got some of this stuff off my brain. There’s still more swirling around in there, but I think I can survive with it there for a few more days. Good night, world.