We All Fall Apart Sometimes

Wow. I certainly do go a long time between posts anymore. I don’t mean to. Life just gets crazy and some days I feel like it’s all I can do to keep it together. I’m actually a little irritated right now because one of my friends just went off on me for not returning messages from him. He said he’s been texting me and sending me messages on voxer. But I haven’t gotten any from him. I actually haven’t gotten texts from a lot of people who used to talk to me and I just figured it was because I have a boyfriend now. I know my phone has been jacked up and I’ve been working on reformatting it. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I don’t know. Oh well, though. If he’s going to go off on me and say he’s not my friend anymore, then I guess that’s that. The point I’m at right now, I could just say ‘screw it’ to the entire world and be done with it.

I don’t even know where to begin. I just feel so overwhelmed. I’ve been on the verge of tears for the past week and a half. I did cry a few times. Everything seems to be piling on all at once. Work has been insane. First Alisa needed help with her stuff, so I spent a few days helping her. Then Michelle took over Alisa’s job and then SHE needed help, so I spent a few days helping her. None of my work got done any of those days, so I was really behind and trying to get caught up when my boss dumps this huge project on the office with a deadline of three and a half days. She assigned this on Tuesday and it had to be done by noon on Friday or else we couldn’t leave early for the holiday weekend. My stuff was only half a page, but I have been helping Marie with her stuff the past several months, so she kinda just expects it now. Sometimes it ticks me off because I’ll tell her I can’t do it because my own stuff is getting backed up and she’ll either go on about how it HAS to be done or else she’ll tell me it can wait a day or two until I can do it. When that happens, she doesn’t touch a single thing of it, so several days pile up and I end up having to do all that, too. When my boss asks her about it, Marie says that I have been helping her do it because she is so backed up on her own work.

Anyways, so my boss dumps this project on us and Marie buzzes me and asks how soon I can get it done. I like being a team player and helping out with stuff, so I told her I had to get my own work caught up from when I was helping Alisa and Michelle, but that I could start helping with the list the next day. She was happy. I worked on that freaking list for two days without any help and I only got 3.5 page done. I told Marie Thursday morning that I wasn’t going to be able to get it all done. I emailed her and Kim and told them that I needed help because I still had my own work to do. Marie emailed back and told me Kim couldn’t help because she was working on something else and that she (Marie) was doing her own stuff, so she couldn’t help. That whole freakin list was Marie’s stuff! She came over to my desk on Thursday afternoon and I threw the papers on the desk and told her there was no way on earth I was going to get it all done because there were still 3.5 pages and I had done none of my own work for the past two days. Why? Because I like to help people and be a team player. What does it get me? Screwed over. I don’t help people for honors and accolades. I do it because it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes, though, it would be nice to have someone help me. I think Marie could tell I was upset and on the verge of tears because she ran around and got the other Kim and Delvin to do part of the list. Apparently, part of the list was theirs, too, and they were supposed to be working it, but she had told them I would email them their part of the list. Nice if she would have told ME that. I was just doing all of them.

Friday morning, though, I decided that I needed to focus on my own stuff. So I emailed Marie when I got to work and told her I couldn’t do the rest of the list because I had to do my stuff. She wasn’t happy. I told her I might be done with my stuff around 11-12 and could help with what was left, but that I had to focus on my stuff. 11 rolls around and I emailed her to say I was just starting on my appraisals and those take a couple of hours, so I couldn’t help her. She was not happy. Apparently, she’d not worked on any of it and just assumed I would do it. An hour later, she’d gotten a couple other people to help her and she and a bunch of other people went out to lunch. Alisa said Marie was supposed to invite me, but she never did. I couldn’t leave, anyways, because I didn’t have my work done. I ended up being there another hour and a half before I was finished. Kinda ticked me off.

By the time I left, though, I was just numb. I was overwhelmed, stressed, tired, hormonal and just plain didn’t care anymore. I did my gym time and then went and did random stuff at my house. Mostly I worked on my computer. Troy built  me a  new computer and all my stuff is in different place because he added a new hard drive and made my old one a secondary. I also had two terabyte drives that had a bunch of stuff on them, so I needed to go through and organize it all. Holy duplicates and triplicates. lol. So I ended up working on that for a while. I probably shouldn’t have. It was a pain in the butt and I was already overwhelmed and stressed and that just made it worse. I finally gave up and just started watching stuff on Hulu. I was supposed to have gone to Troy’s after he got off work, but I was just so overwhelmed and stressed out that I just wanted to stay home. Which, I should have. I ended up going to Wal-Mart and then to his house, but I didn’t stay long. I think I was there about 10-15 minutes, maybe. He was playing video games with his brothers and I just wanted peace and quiet. So I left him to his game and went home.

It’s been several days, but I still feel like I’m still in that overwhelmed state. I spent Saturday doing stuff. In the morning I went grocery shopping with Troy and then spent the rest of the day organizing and cleaning my house. I watched a few shows on Hulu, too, but I probably should have just taken the whole day to relax and de-stress. But anyone who knows me knows that if there is something to be done, I can’t just leave it. I really am my mother’s child. I curse my parents for giving me this dang work ethic and teaching me responsibility. Some days I just want to do absolutely nothing, but can’t. I feel so lazy if I’m not working on something. So, I spent all day Saturday working on my house and trying to relax at the same time. Doesn’t work very well.

Saturday night came along and I was supposed to go to Troy’s, but I just couldn’t do it. I just felt like if I were to leave, I would just fall apart. He didn’t mind, though. He was working on editing pictures, so he enjoyed the extra free time to do that. So I guess some good came of it.

Sunday was just a weird day. Dana, the disabled lady I take to church, was having anxiety and was upset about everything. Troy had a bad headache and was being very distant. I was feeling like crap and my body hurt really bad from all the boxes I’d moved and all the cleaning I’d done. So it was just a dumb day. After church, Troy went home to take a nap and I worked on organizing my computer some more. Then I went to his house. Seriously, I feel like he hardly every comes over to my house anymore and it’s starting to bother me. When we first met, he was over here all the time, but over the past few months, he just doesn’t like coming over here. I know, I have a cat and he’s allergic, but it really would be nice to spend more time at my house. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he says he’s over here all the time and the times he IS at my house make the next few days hard because of his allergies and asthma and my cat. So, I guess that is that.

Anyways, Sunday evening I was just so done with everything that I felt like I could hardly function. I should have just stayed home and tried to take care of me, but I didn’t. I went to Troy’s house. We watched a movie (really dumb movie) and instead of just relaxing and enjoying it (even though it was really dumb), I tried sewing up a hole in the pocket Troy’s shorts. It wasn’t working out and I kept having to start over, so I just stressed myself out more. I feel bad because Troy tried to put his arm around me a few times, but I was so involved with trying to fix those dang shorts that I wasn’t really paying attention to him.

Overall, it was just a dumb weekend and I’m glad it’s over. I feel a little bit better, but I’m still feeling overwhelmed and like I just don’t give a crap anymore.