Goodness. What a crazy week. I was sick for several days and I think part of it was stress. I’m the type of person who needs all the information on something before I do it and this whole Malaysia process has been a trial of that. Troy has only been getting little bits of information at a time and therefore has only been able to get me little bits of information. So, I have been receiving a lesson in going with the flow. And rolling with the punches. And taking things one day at a time. And being patient. lol.
I had a panic attack on Tuesday night about all this. Not about the ‘no information’ thing, but I was just sitting there thinking about Malaysia and got to thinking about all the other times I’ve gone somewhere new and what has happened. I went to Germany with my brother in December 2007 and it was amazing! There were a couple tough moments, but I think the worst was when we were out walking around a shopping area in Idar-Oberstein. It had a stripmall set up with out-door vendors as well. Well, we were walking down this one street and I saw this amazing house at the end of an alley and I HAD to take pictures. See:
Isn’t that an amazing yard! I wish I had taken more pictures. But, I got freaked out. One second, my brother and his friend were right behind me taking pictures, too, and the next time I turned around, they were both gone. And there I was. My second day in Germany, where I don’t speak or read German, without a cell phone, didn’t even know Teresa’s home or cell phone numbers, all alone in an alley. Thanks, bro. Anyways, I figured he and Teresa had just gone back to the front of the shop we had been looking at before we’d gone in the alley, so I went out there. Nobody around. Nobody in the shop. I walked around the corner to the main avenue of this shopping around and they weren’t there. I started panicking, but stayed calm enough to start walking back the direction I’d come from. As I rounded the next turn, I saw my brother and his friend walking into a little tea shop. Seriously?! When I got inside, they were seated at a table behind a wall that wasn’t visible from the street. I was rather upset.
Anyways, I got to thinking about that and how lost and helpless and panicky I felt. Then I got to thinking about when I first moved to Virginia and decided to go for a drive. I drove for about two hours and could not figure out how to get home. I think I’d lived in Virginia for less than a week and this was long before cell phones had GPS. Heck, I don’t even think they had smart phones back in 2006. Either way, all I had was a little flip camera phone. So, I finally got around to calling my husband at the time and it took him three hours to find me. I was bawling when he found me because I was just so scared and felt helpless. He took me out and bought me a GPS the next day. lol
For Malaysia, I got to thinking about how I’m not going to know anybody, how to get around, the name of the apartment building (because at the time I didn’t know it), how to communicate with anyone or have any type of mobile communication to call for help. So I started to panic. I just got to thinking about how helpless I am going to be and I imagined myself wandering the streets, lost, and not knowing how to get a hold of Troy or how to ask anyone for assistance. It was great. Cue panic attack. I emailed Troy and he immediately started calling me. It was kinda cool. He doesn’t usually respond right away when I email him (he’s either sleeping or at work when I’m awake), so it just made me feel good that he knew I was having a hard time and he tried to be there for me. Of course, I wasn’t able to answer my phone the first few times he called because I stuck it in my bag right after emailing him because I figured he wouldn’t get the email for a while and I also had left it on silence. But when I got out to my car a little while later, I saw that he’d called and emailed me several times. He tried calling more after I told him I was available, but skype on the cell phones sucks, so we weren’t able to maintain a connection of more than 20 seconds. We messaged back and forth for a bit until I told him I was driving (i only wrote when I was at a stop sign or stop light) and he told me to email him when I was home and he’d message me more then. 17 minutes later (i told him I’d be home in about 20 minutes) he asked if I was home. Nope. I’d stopped to put gas in my car because it was on empty. When I got home, he called and Skype actually worked for a while. I was able to tell him how I felt like I was going to fail at living in Malaysia and I didn’t think I was capable of doing it. I never go outside my comfort zone if I can help it and this will be a huge jump out. I’ve built this comfy little bubble around myself where I am miserable because I’m not accomplishing anything in life, but I’m too scared to try because I’m so afraid of failing. Troy was very sweet. He told me there is no way I’ll fail at living in Malaysia. He said if I come out there and decide I don’t like it, he will get me on the first reasonably priced flight out of there and back to my family. He said that there is no failure in trying something and deciding that it’s not for you. He was just so nice and supportive and said that if I decide I really don’t want to do it, that he will understand. That he will help get me back to Utah so I can go to school and we will go from there.
A couple days ago, I had another AAAAHHHHHHHHHH! moment. lol. I have a lot of them, apparently. Troy and I were talking about college and I started asking him questions about student loans. I was under the impression that they were like regular loans where you request a certain amount. Uh, no. The school determines how much you get. Right. Like Dixie State is going to give me a loan that equates $2,000 a month, plus pays for school. ha. No. So I got all depressed and started crying and thinking that there is no way this is going to work out. I feel like such a retard because I seem to be crying at everything anymore. I feel like such a baby. But I was just so let down because I was planning on quitting my job and going to school. I’m frustrated because we’d come up with the perfect plan for me: work through December, then quit my job and go to school full-time. Well, if a student loan won’t cover living expenses AND school, there’s no way I can quit my job and go to school. Which is kinda depressing me. But, I’m not giving up. I’ve given up on so many things in my life that I want to do and I don’t want to give up on this. I may not be going to Malaysia (decision hasn’t been made yet), but I AM getting out of Oklahoma.
There is still a part of me that keeps saying ‘This is huge and I’d really rather just stay in my safe little bubble in Oklahoma’, but if I don’t start forcing myself to do the things I want to do, when will I ever accomplish anything? So often I feel like I’m drifting and that there is no point to my existence. All I do is go to work and come home. Well, go to Troy’s house. I’ve only gone to the gym once since I got back from Utah. Troy had his mouth surgery and then he found out he was going to Malaysia and had to get ready for that, so there just wasn’t any time. Last week I was feeling so ill all week, so I didn’t go. I ended up coming home from work early on Thursday because I stressed myself sick and just couldn’t do it anymore. After sitting around for a bit trying to get myself to relax, I started packing boxes. I packed 7 boxes in that one afternoon. I think I overdid it because I started feeling sick to my stomach again. But I didn’t feel so stressed. I’ve slowly been packing a few boxes a day, except today. Today I took a day to just have a good time. I took my blanket and a book and some ice cream and laid on the grass outside to read and relax. It was nice. I haven’t done that in a long time. I think getting the extra sunlight helped a little. Sadie sat up in the window and kept crying at me, so I went back up to put her harness and leash on her and took her down with me. She wandered a little, but spent most of her time curled up on me. I just feel so much love from her when she does that. I love having her just plop half on me and fall asleep. It’s nice.
I ended up calling my brother today and talking to him about a lot of stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed because most of the time I just feel a lack of caring about anything. I have all these things I want to do and accomplish in my life, but I just have this general feeling of blah all the time. I know in my mind I want to accomplish these things, but part of me just doesn’t care about anything. My brother suggested I try working out and getting more sunlight and see how that makes me feel. The sunlight today helped and working out always makes me feel happy. I think another part of it is that I haven’t taken my vitamins in a few weeks. lol. I know the vertigo and constant exhaustion is because I haven’t been taking them. I have borderline anemia and if I don’t take my iron regularly, I cross over into mild anemia. I kinda feel like that. It started a while ago and Troy was making sure I ate more veggies and protein. He tries to get me to eat more healthily, but I haven’t really felt like eating much for the past while. I guess for the past month or so every time I eat I feel ill. No, I’m not pregnant. That was Troy’s first crack. He asked me if I was pregnant and who the father was. lol. Yes, I smacked him. I had really bad stomach problems when i was 16 and had to be on a bunch of pills back then. I really hope that all isn’t happening again. I’ve been trying to eat gentle stuff and small meals. One night I just couldn’t eat anything at all. Troy and I were driving around to find a place to donate all the stuff he was getting rid of and every few minutes he would ask me if I was ready to eat. He’d already eaten, but he wanted me to eat, too. My stomach was too upset, though. I told him I might be able to eat a slushie and he stopped at the first Sonic we saw and bought me one. The coldness helped cool my stomach down, but the sugar just made me feel ill again.
Anyways, I’m going to start getting back into my routine again. I haven’t been able to do my routine for the past month and a half because life has been so crazy, but now that Troy is gone I can get back into it. Plus, institute is starting back up, too, so that will bring some order back into my life. I really need to have my routines or I get pretty stressed out. This week will be a good week to start. I’ll see Margaret tomorrow and go to the gym afterwards. I really need to work out more. I’ll do the gym and Institute on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, the temple on Thursdays and the gym on Fridays. That won’t leave a lot of time during the week for packing, but that’s okay. I’ve got most of the superfluous stuff packed. lol. I tried to cook biscuits and gravy this afternoon (i cook when I’m happy) and it was a challenge because I’d packed my cooking utensils. lol. Thank goodness the box was easy to get to.
What’s weird is that some days (like today) I go from being happy and content to just feeling down about everything. I wonder if I’m bipolar. I guess that’s something to ask Margaret. I don’t do the whole massive mood swings thing, where I’m super super happy one minute and in the depths of despair the next, but there’s got to be something with my constant shifting. Or maybe I’m just hormonal the past few days. That one is a definite possibility. lol.
Well, I need to go to bed. Troy tried calling earlier to talk about the Malaysia plan, but the calls would only connect for 20 seconds, so we have been IMing all evening. He’s got two options for places to live and he contacted a realtor to help me find a place I can afford. I have been emailing her tonight, too. She has a few listings in the one building, but none in the other. The Ioi property has listings closer to my price range, so I sent an inquiry to one of those realtors. Hopefully something will come of it. That property is only $800 while the other one is $1,100.
Troy has also been helping me figure out the school thing, too. I filled out my FAFSA today. Yay! I’m still going to try and do distance learning, but I’m uncertain about the outlook on that. He said I may have to put it on hold for a little bit if the student loans don’t provide for living expenses or I could forgo Malaysia altogether and just go to Utah and go to school. I’ve contemplated that one a little bit, too. I guess I have to decide which one I want more. Either one will get me out of Oklahoma. One will provide adventure and the other will provide knowledge. Both of which I want. If I can do both at the same time, that would be awesome. But we will see what God has in store for me. It could be both, it could be one or it could be none. We shall see.
Oh, I just remembered something. I need to clear up something I mis-wrote earlier. Apparently, many people have read the same thing and it was not what I intended for the meaning to be. Troy has never told me he would never marry me. He had told me at one point that he was uncertain about whether or not we would ever get married, but he’s never said we wouldn’t ever get married. And I think it’s fair for him to say that. Not everyone in the world realizes at first sight that the person they are looking at it who they are going to marry. Some people need time to figure that out. And since Troy and I have only been dating since mid-May, I think it’s entirely realistic for him to still be uncertain or not ready yet. I know I’m not ready yet. I knew my ex-husband for 6 months when I married him and there is no way on earth I want to go through that again. I’ve told every guy I’ve gone on dates with since my divorce that I want to date for a year before talking about marriage. My last boyfriend started pushing marriage after two months and that was very stressful. I’m much happier knowing Troy is in the same boat I am and is just fine with taking his time. I want to be 100% sure that I’m marrying the right person the next time I get married. Because if I get divorced a second time, I’m not getting married a third.