I’ve had quite an emotional day today. The past few weeks I’ve just been super exhausted and just TIRED all the time. The past week or so, I’ve been also dealing with a bit of divorce stuff. Not anything new, just thinking a lot about my divorce and all the emotions that went along with it.
Today, though, has been the worst.
While I was looking for my letters of recommendation and college papers this morning I came across my folder of divorce documents. Inside that folder I also found my paperwork to request my temple sealing be cancelled. I’ve been meaning to get that done for a long time now, but I just keep forgetting about it. I sat down and filled the paperwork out and have one part missing. There is a part where I have to put in my ex-husband’s address so they can mail some forms to him. I think he has to sign something to get it processed right away and if he doesn’t, there is a waiting period before the First Presidency will consider the request. I’m not 100% on that, but that’s my understanding of it.
I went to email Caleb to ask him for his address, but then I got to thinking about the other times I’ve emailed him for information and how he never responds. He’s emailed me a few times asking for my personal info and for copies of our divorce papers and other things. I always respond within a day or two, but he has yet to respond to anything from me. So, I emailed his mom. I feel silly doing that, but she’s gone through the same thing and has always been nice to me, so I’m hoping she’ll help me out.
After I did all that, I just started thinking about everything associated with my marriage and divorce. I got to thinking about all the lies, the betrayal, the infidelity, the secrets, the badmouthing, the broken promises and the broken heart.
I don’t ever really talk about all of that. Nobody really knows the whole story. Usually I just tell bits and pieces because I don’t think anyone really wants to listen to me talk about it all. It’s depressing. And it was so long ago. I feel like I should be over it by now, but it’s still hard sometimes. There’s still a lot of hurt and a lot of lost trust.
The person I seem to have lost the most trust in is me.
If I could make such a huge mistake as to marry a person who lied to me from the moment we met and the only way I realized he was lying was to have people tell me about it, how on earth will I ever know if someone else is doing the same thing to me? How can I ever trust myself to really KNOW someone else?
And at the same time, I don’t know if I really can every trust someone like that again. I don’t know if I can handle it. It hurt too much last time. I don’t know if I can go through that again. Am I really strong enough?
Today I just got to thinking about everything and decided to write a blog about how I was feeling. That turned into me sitting on the roof of the building for 3 hours writing in detail about all the problems, lies, secrets, cheating and broken promises in the first six months of our marriage. I’m up to 12 pages of hurt, anger, disappointment, devastation, regret, shame and insecurity.
When I first started writing, I just planned on being general and talking about it a little bit, focusing mostly on how I was feeling. It turned into a floodgate of emotions and experiences that I don’t ever share with anyone. I don’t talk about it because I don’t really HAVE anyone I can talk to about it. Anyone I COULD talk to about it is on the other side of the world and usually not free when I’m going through a ‘I need to get this out’ moment.
So, I lock it all inside and pretend it’s all okay.
The thing is, I’ve been doing that since before I moved to Malaysia. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I’ve never been super good about opening up and letting people in. I did open up with Caleb and look where that got me.
I still feel so stupid that I couldn’t see it all; that I couldn’t recognize what was right under my nose. It still hurts.
Writing it out helped me a bit. I still have a ton I need to get out and gone. I probably could have spent all night up there writing about those three and a half years. Writing and crying. That’s what I did all afternoon. I could have kept doing it all night, too.
But then Troy came home.
After I found out Troy had gotten home I came back downstairs and sat down to talk to him. He was playing his video game and teasing me about ignoring me. It kinda hurt a little because that was Caleb’s thing. Only Caleb was serious about it.
I told Troy that it made me sad to feel like I was second to a video game and he got up and gave me a hug right away. He’s really good about that whole thing. He teases me a lot, but he’ll stop right away when he realizes I’m actually having an emotional moment. I started bawling while he was hugging me and telling him why it made me sad and how I was feeling in that moment. He hugged me for a while, until I stopped crying and for a few minutes after. He feels so awkward when I cry. lol. It’s kinda funny.
He then started teasing me again and said I wasn’t second to the video game, but third, after the phone he hates. haha.
After I got dinner started, I felt like I needed to talk some more so I sat down and talked with Troy for a bit and told him how I was feeling and that I’ve been having a rough time the past few weeks, just thinking a lot about my divorce and struggling with all those feelings again. He listened to me and tried to be reassuring. I told him I sometimes feel like I can’t talk to him when I’m having a rough day because he’s so stressed with work and so busy all the time. He said not to worry about all that and that I can talk to him about anything any time. It felt nice to have him say that and I feel like he means it.
We talked and I cried (aka I talked and cried) while making dinner and Troy listened and helped out a bit. He offered reassuring remarks and interjected silly comments at times. He’s pretty good about getting me to laugh when I’m sad or unhappy.
We sat and watched a show tonight and he kept his arms around me the whole time. It was really nice. It felt good to feel like he was being there for me and supporting me. I was afraid he would tell me to get over it or think I was being silly. But he didn’t. He listened and acted like he cared.
Most of the time I feel like I have to deal with this stuff on my own. I pray a lot for comfort and reassurance that I will be okay, but that’s about it. I don’t ever talk to anyone. This is the first time I’ve talked to someone while I’m feeling this way and I’m glad I did.
I still have a lot of emotion pent up inside and I still feel like I could cry for another hour or so. I guess tomorrow I’ll just have to write more and try to get some of this stuff out. I know I need counseling. Anyone who has been constantly lied to for three and a half years and been left for someone else is seriously in need of therapy. I started counseling shortly before Troy and I moved to Malaysia and I’m going to have to find someone like Margaret when I move back to the US.
Or maybe my thing will just be to write about it. Write it out since I have such a hard time talking it out. I’ve never really been good opening up to people. Maybe paper will just have to be my counselor.
So, I will write more. Share my experiences with my computer. Maybe periodically talk about things on here. I dunno. We’ll see. I just know that I feel better having gotten some of that stuff out.
It’s only 8:22 and I feel super worn out. It’s been an emotional day and I think I’m ready for bed. Part of me wants to just write more and more, but I think I need to sleep and be unaware for a while. That helps sometimes, too.
Sorry this is so disjointed. I’ve got 5 billion thoughts going through my head and I just feel a bit overwhelmed with so many different emotions and my head hurts.