Seriously. Today has been so different from the last few days. For the last few days I’ve felt like I’ve been being sucked into a black hole and that I was just being crushed by life. Yesterday was that point where I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. I sat in my car after work for about a half an hour and listened to music and watched the rain. It was nice, but it didn’t really help. I came inside to do homework and didn’t really feel up to it, so I went outside when it stopped raining and planted my baby veggie plants in the community garden. I miss having a garden. I’m nervous about people stealing my veggies, but oh well. If it happens, it happens. I was talking to a friend about that a few days ago and he said I just need to remind myself that if someone steals them, they probably needed them more than I do. So, I will try to focus on that if it happens.
After I came back inside the rest of my afternoon was spent just sitting on my couch. It alternated between scrolling aimlessly through facebook and bawling until I couldn’t cry anymore. No real reason. I just felt so horribly down yesterday. It’s been building up the last week or so and I’ve been trying to stave it off by focusing on homework, watching my happy show (Legally Blonde the Musical) and exercising, but I think that’s been part of the problem. Ever since I got this new job I feel overwhelmed all the time. There are so many files to go through and figure out and each day E keeps giving me more. Friday I had things mostly sorted and only had a few left. Yesterday I get to work and there was a mountain of files covering my desk. I just stood there and stared at them for a moment and all I could think was, “How on earth am I going to get through all of this?” Then, all day long E kept coming to me and saying she needed these requests sent out NOW and this file figured out NOW and this other thing done NOW. By the time I left at noon yesterday I’d only gotten through two files. I just felt so defeated. Especially since I asked my boss if I could come in earlier every day to get caught up and she said no. *sigh*
And then there’s school. I feel like I’m barely keeping up. Some nights I’m up until 1-2am trying to get my homework done. Two weekends ago it was 2:30-3am on Friday and Saturday along with working on it all day Saturday and all afternoon Sunday. My homework is due midnight on Sunday and I got the last of it turned in at 11pm Sunday night. Most weeks are like that anymore and every day it just seems to be getting harder and harder.
So, my afternoon was spent feeling so unbearably overwhelmed and sad and just…………down. I tried to work on my homework a few times, but I was having a hard time focusing and being able to do it, so I ended up walking on the treadmill for an hour and a half while watching The Blacklist. Troy has been bugging me about watching it the last couple weeks, so I decided that since I was having a hard time being productive that I would just watch tv and get some exercise. I haven’t felt like exercising for a while, but I know it will help me feel better, so I am trying really hard to get into a routine. MWF are my treadmill days while TTS are my 5k route days. It’s actually closer to 3.5 miles, but whatever. It’s hit or miss on whether or not I actually get my walking/running done, but it makes me feel better to have a schedule of when I want to do what. I was feeling bummed about it getting all rainy and dreary again yesterday afternoon, but then I realized it was a treadmill day and all was well. lol.
I attempted to do a little bit of homework after the treadmill, but I just wasn’t in a mindset to do it, so I took a shower and went to bed. I said a long prayer about how much I was struggling and asked for help. I also asked for my Wednesday class to be cancelled. My professor said we were having a test on Wednesday (that I haven’t had any time to study for), but also that class might be cancelled because of a personal thing he has going on, so I prayed and prayed and prayed that class would be cancelled so I could have more time to study. I prayed for it again this morning and guess what? Shortly after I got to work I received an email saying class for tomorrow has been cancelled! Yay! Prayers answered!
Before that, though, I was already feeling quite a bit better. I decided to sleep a little later than usual and I think that helped. I average about 4-6 hours of sleep anymore, so it was nice to get 6 hours and 46 minutes, according to my fitbit. lol. And it was good sleep, too. I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately and they weigh on my mind a lot, but last night it was dreamless and wonderful. Thank goodness. I keep dreaming about falling for someone and then having that person crush my heart in a variety of different ways. Maybe that’s part of why I’ve been so down, too. (and why i’ve decided i can’t date anyone for a while?) It’s hard to feel upbeat and positive when you wake up every morning feeling like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest.
But last night was different. I didn’t dream about anyone or anything. It was nice.
Work also went really well today, too. There were a bunch of extra files on my desk today, but E said she could tell I was a bit overwhelmed and offered to take some back. I told her she didn’t have to because yesterday was just a really bad day and today I’m feeling better. She was very kind and came to tell me a few times how much she appreciates what I’m doing and how much I’m helping her. It made me feel good. I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling like I’m being so completely useless, so it was really nice to have her come tell me that I really have been a help. I like helping people. It makes me happy.
On top of all that, I busted out a lot of files today. Not as many as I would have liked, but I made a noticeable dent. I got stuff done and the pile on my desk is a lot smaller. Seriously, don’t ever underestimate the power of seeing your work stack shrink. My desk is still covered in files, but that’s because I did it. Before I left I went through all the files I have left and put sticky notes on each one for what I need to do with it in the morning. Now that I have a game plan and know what I need to do to each file instead of seeing a huge stack and having no clue how long it will take me to get through it, I feel like I can conquer this. The stack may never go away, but at least now I know which ones will get done faster.
So, overall, it’s been a good day. I still feel a bit weighted down and pretty tired, but I don’t feel that overwhelming sadness anymore. Hopefully the downness will continue to dissipate over the next few days. I’m trying to focus on the good things and forget about everything else. I’m so thankful for good friends who send me uplifting messages and funny pictures and let me know they’re there if I ever need to talk. Most of the time I don’t want to talk when I’m down, but it’s nice knowing people care and they are there for me when I go through these rough patches. These times don’t happen very often, but they sure aren’t fun when they do. Once I start coming out of it I just feel so grateful for the good friends I have and the love they show me. I’ve got wonderful people in my life. I hope I never forget that.
I’m also thankful for answered prayers. I know all of these things happened because I asked God for help and He answered me. It was a perfect morning of things going really well and none of it would have happened without God blessing me. I’m so thankful for prayer and answers to prayers. Life would be so much more difficult without the ability to ask God for His help and then receive it. I’m thankful for the peace I received in my heart and mind today and the positive things that happened. I’m thankful for the reprieve from the things that have been overwhelming me and stressing me out. I feel better able to handle these things again now that I’ve been assured that I’m not doing it alone. I’m so thankful I’m not alone.