Thoughts While I Wait

As I’m sitting here, waiting to talk to the bishop about getting my temple sealing cancelled and the whole Malaysia thing, I’ve been thinking about how I feel about Malaysia. That is the main thing on my mind anymore. There’s a part of me that wants to go and a part of me that doesn’t want to. I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what the ‘not wanting to go’ reason is. I think a big part of it is that moving to another country s a HUGE decision. My whole world is going to change for the next year and a half. And it’s Soooooooooo much work! Lol. I think that’s the big thing. It is going to be a lot of work to pack up my apartment and get my stuff shipped back to Utah. The more I think about it, the more I realize that all the prep work is why I don’t want to go. Lol. I’m such a lazy person. I want the adventure, I want the experience and I want to take advantage of the opportunity. I just don’t want to pack. Haha. I moved seven times in three and a half years while I was married to my ex-husband. This apartment I’m in is the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I moved out of my parent’s house. I’ve been in Oklahoma four years as of next month and I’ve been in this apartment for two and a half years. I guess it’s about time for a change. But this change is huge. Can I do it? I don’t know. I have a hard time with change. What if I don’t like Malaysia? What if it is awful? Can I go through with this? Do I really want to move for a guy who says he doesn’t love me and will probably never marry me? Would I even want to marry him ever? Is all this work and effort worth it for something that is probably at the climax of what it will ever be? Aaaaaarrrrggh! I’m so torn! I keep telling myself that if Troy and I break up that at least I will have had an adventure. But what will I do then? I wouldn’t be able to come back to my life here. Or would I? Would I want to? Where would I go if things go south while we’re in Malaysia? I know Troy wouldn’t just abandon me there and write me off. He’s not that kind of guy. But where would I go? I guess I could move back to St George and go back to college. I’m afraid of doing that, too. I failed at it last time. Granted, there were extenuating circumstances, but still. I failed before. Will I fail again? Troy keeps pushing me to go back to school and get a bachelors. He wants me to get on with his company. He keeps telling me that the circumstances that happened when I went to school before won’t happen again if he has anything to do with it, that I will be safe and he’ll take care of any problems that arise. That makes me feel better, but I still have this feeling of failure and that if I failed once, that I’ll fail again. I guess that feeling also carries over into my relationship.

But, more on that later. The bishop is ready to see me!